Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
