haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
He told me they were just razor bumps!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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