I'm eating all of the evidence.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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