Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
