at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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