no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
