Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
