there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
