i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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