only if we run a train.
done.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
