This is not my ceiling
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
