I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize