Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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