Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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