you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
