It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
