You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
