Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
