I accidentally had phone sex last night
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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