Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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