i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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