Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
