Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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