That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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