just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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