May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
