I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
