So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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