Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
