I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
