My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
