Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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