Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
