sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
