I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
