Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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