Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I currently don't understand fingers.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
