Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
