Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
