I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
