So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
