What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My underwear smells like fireworks.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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