when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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