She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
