Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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