Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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