If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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