I only kidnapped one of them. chill
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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