After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
