Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
