rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
