I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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