Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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