Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i was born a porn star she said
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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