remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
