I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you guys were way drunker than both of me
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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