i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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