just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
