I want to have your abortion
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
