I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize