Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
