Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
