i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
