all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
