theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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