my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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