I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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