Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
