i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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